I’ve recently started following another expat Kiwi in London’s blog and her post last night, entitled “deep breath“, struck a real chord with me. The situation, for me, is completely different but the sentiment expressed – that I might not be good enough – is something I well understand.
“I have been playing chess with this fear for the best part of 30 years. And in a weird way I am thankful for it. It has pushed me forward and given me a defiant courage to do it all anyway. I have spent years living on my own, paying my own way, being responsible only for me. I have affirmed to myself every single day that all of these things are evidence of my independence, strength, capability. This is the me I promised myself I would be when I knew there was no going back. And while mostly serving me well, this self-suficiency has also created a dark and twisty me, the one that thinks letting go somehow equals weakness.
I want to keep growing, experiencing and metamorphosing. And this involves allowing myself to be still for a while, to be really here.”
I guess I’m re-posting this because I know that these are feelings many of us have over the course of our lifetimes and sharing in it sometimes, realising we’re not the only ones to feel like this, can be so incredibly helpful. I thoroughly recommend you read her entire post, from start to finish, if nothing else it is a lesson in honesty.